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A Simple Twist Of Fate

This article concerns the A Simple Twist Of Fate version of Edward Parkinson; you may be looking for other canon and fanon versions.

Edward Parkinson, Earl of Rathbone (b. 21 May 1956) was a Pure-blood wizard, the father of Phineas and Pansy Parkinson.



Born on 21st May, 1956, Edward was the eldest child of his parents; his father, like Edward in his later years, was a worker at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and was the predecessor of the infamous Barty Crouch Snr. Edward's parents remained happily married for the entirety of their marriage and were devoted parents to their only son. Unbeknownst to them and their son, Edward was born with Type 2 diabetes, which would make his weight gain in later life increasingly bad.

Hogwarts Years

Edward began Hogwarts in 1967 and was happily sorted into Slytherin. A wild child with a tendency to stockiness, gluttony and laziness, he barely paid attention at Hogwarts - preferring to spend most of his free time eating or getting drunk with his friends - and scraped through his N.E.W.Ts with the lowest possible pass grade, relying on his father's influence to get him into the Ministry.

Edward did, however, become a member of the Slug Club and a favourite of Potions Teacher, Horace Slughorn, who would later be very proud of the influence Edward had in the Ministry.


Joining the Ministry, Edward was, much to his relief, appointed to a desk job that brought in a lot of money and did not require the increasingly lazy teenager to be active very much. He remained in his desk job until he was married.

When he was twenty and not yet growing into the massive obesity of his middle age, his father betrothed him to his cousin, Elizabeth. Haughty, stuck up and nasty, Elizabeth was the complete opposite of Edward, loathing people who were wild and lazy.


Edward on the morning after his wedding.

Despite this, Elizabeth quickly conceived, giving birth to a son, Phineas, at the age of twenty one in 1977.

After his marriage, Edward moved to another desk job and became a worker at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, while Barty Crouch Sr succeeded his father as head. At the age of twenty two, Edward became a member of the Wizengamot along with his wife, though the two barely saw eye to eye on any subject.

In 1980, Elizabeth gave birth to the couple's last child, a daughter: Pansy and Edward, now twenty four, began sleeping with a washer woman, Lucy Waite, who worked in his family home and was the same age as him; over the next six years she would give him five children: one son and four daughters.

Now no longer sleeping together and living entirely separate lives while under the same roof, the unhappily married couple allowed their children to get away with anything, resulting in Phineas being a naughty, stingy, completely spoilt rotten child; Pansy suffered the same fate.

Later Life


Edward at 33.

Settling into the middle age of his thirties began to change Edward's life; apart from work, he spent all of his time with the washer woman and a harem of women he had purchased. In 1987, at the age of thirty one, Edward succeeded his uncle - and father-in-law - as Earl of Rathbone.

As well as this, the laziness and gluttony of his life began to catch up with him and he grew incredibly obese, his walk becoming a waddle at the age of thirty three. But, despite his ever increasing stoutness, Edward's sex life remained as active as ever.


A drunken Edward with one of his mistresses in 1992.

In 1990, when Phineas was thirteen, Edward took him fishing; the day didn't end well, with Edward's increased adipose causing the boat to sink.

Edward spent the summer of 1991 having sex with his mistresses; his wife, while this was occurring, took Phineas to Hogwarts. Edward spent that Christmas drunk - as he would ever year until 1998.

Edward spent the summer of 1992 with his mistresses, entirely drunk, hardly noticing his children and wife. During that same summer, the family were at the Leaky Cauldron in Diagon Alley.

Edward argued with his son, in the summer of 1993, over the beliefs that Phineas had developed while two servants attempted to get him in his clothes - they were unsuccessful as Edward was too fat.


Edward and Phineas argue while two servants try to get Edward into his clothes.

Edward, during the summer of 1994, attended the Quidditch World Cup with his wife, son and daughter, promptly returning to his mistresses afterwards. During the same year, he was sent to Hogwarts as protection for the students during the Twiziard Tournament, was present when the champions were chosen, attended all three tasks and was in the hospital wing when Fudge refused to believe Dumbledore's claims of Voldemort's return.

A few weeks later, now feeling his weight and rendered impotent, he was one of the people who voted Harry as "innocent" in his trial on 12th August 1995, with his wife, Elizabeth, choosing guilty.

Edward fell badly ill with an ague during Christmas of 1995, necessitating him being sent to St Mungo's to recover; though it was only a cold, Edward's obesity meant that the illness took much longer for him to fight off.

In June of 1996 Edward arrived at the Ministry with the Order on hearing that his son had joined Harry and the others and was under attack.

In the summer of 1997 Edward attended the funeral of Albus Dumbledore to pay his respects to the late headmaster.

"But for his height, Phineas doubted he would have recognized his father. His glorious grey eyes were small and piggy now, lost in folds of fat, and he wheezed as he heaved his great body about. He could hardly walk. Phineas had always measured like a boy beside his father, but now the contrast was ludicrous - and in his favour as you looked from his whip-thing, tempered hardness to his father's grossness. No longer could anyone trace the family resemblance imprinted in their bones, his father's body having been inflated like a balloon after many years of debauchery."
—Phineas's thoughts on his father in 1998[src]

By 1998 it was more than obvious that war was coming. Phineas, having expressed an interest in fighting in the war, confronted his father over Edward's choice to not fight.

What started off as a discussion eventually descended into an argument, with Phineas finally confronting Edward over how terrible a parent he was, criticizing his father's weight and lifestyle.


Phineas confronting Edward over his decision not to fight in the Battle of Hogwarts.

Phineas: "You've never been a good parent, far from it, but this is the worst you've ever been! You'd rather sit on your over fattened arse, stuff your face and drink yourself into a stupor than fight for what is right?"
Edward: "There is more to it than that, my boy, I promise you. I am-"
Phineas: "- Too fat, too lazy, too stupid to fight! You're a failure as a father, a failure as a person!"
— Phineas and Edward arguing before the Battle of Hogwarts in 1998[src]

Edward, with his own son now criticizing him, finally decided to fight in the battle, and survived, defeating many Death Eaters in the fight and saving his son's life on one occasion.


Parkinson Family
Minister Perseus Parkinson, Earl of Rathbone
(b.1706 - d.1785)

Many Generations
Mary Holbourne, Countess of Rathbone
(b.1916 - d.1977)

Hubert Parkinson, Earl of Rathbone
(b.1916 - d.1977)

Harold Parkinson, Earl of Rathbone
(b.1936 - d.1987)
Henrietta Cornfoot, Countess of Rathbone
(b. 1936 -)
Wilhelmina Cornfoot
(b.1937 -)
Tobias Parkinson
(b.1937 - d.1981)
Elizabeth Parkinson, Countess of Rathbone
(b. 14 March 1956 -)
Edward Parkinson, Earl of Rathbone
(b.21 May 1956 -)
Lucy Waite(b.1956 -)
Phineas Parkinson
(b.7 June 1977 -)
Pansy Parkinson
(b.3 August 1980-)
Arthur Parkinson
Grace Parkinson
Mary Parkinson
Elizabeth Parkinson

Catherine Parkinson


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